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LOL-GOOD JOKES

Ordering pizza in the future
Comedy Central
This is hilarious
How Hard Are you Working?

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that WhileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top. 'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

Grandma goes to court
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , ruled by a dick.
The Meaning Of Jazz By Yogi Berra
Interviewer speaking with Yogi Berra about jazz. Interviewer: Can you explain jazz? Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong. Interviewer: I don't understand. Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it. Interviewer: Do you understand it? Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it. Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today? Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it. Interviewer: What is syncopation? Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds. Interviewer: Now I really don't understand. Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
TWO MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSON
Lesson One An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you! and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Three A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends your two minute management course
Wedding Anniversary
Pat was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him in no uncertain terms, 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!' The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Italian kids vs American kids
American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their ! parents. Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks a! way from getting married....unless there's room in the basement for th e newlyweds. American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and! you sip coffee and chat. Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begi! ns to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture. American kids! : Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions. Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some. American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need t o have something done. Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal. Know what I mean?? American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more. Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks. American kids: Will greet you with "Hello" or "Hi". Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back. American kids: Have never seen you cry. Italian kids: Cry with you . American kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days and then return it. Italian kids: Keep your stuff so long, they forget it's yours. American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. American kids: Know few things about you. Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread. Italia! n kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread. American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind. American kids: Are for a while. Italian kids: Are for life. American kids: Like Rod Stewart, and Steve Tyrell. Italian kids: Worship Tony Bennett, and Sinatra American kids: Think that being Italian is cool. Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.
From Geeks to Guido
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU WATCH ‘’YOU GOT WHACKED’’ VIDEO AFTER YOU WATCH GEEK TO GUIDO……VERY VERY FUNNY
Happy Valentino
Bill Crosby on Jazz